Sad To Be a Duck

This is more of a not so private writing therapy.

 The huge improvement in the pictures has blatantly proved something- I got myself a new toy camera. Along with this new camera, a new flow of vigor crept into my blood too. I was enthusiastic, ebullient to go places and snap snap snap snap. I like snapping good pictures, and being a vain pot, I like to snap beautiful pictures of myself too but most of the time I fail. Sometimes in a little overflow of pride, I wonder if it's because I have an eye for the beautiful things in the world that God just decided to not grant external beauty to me... or as sufficient as possible, I lack a reasonable amount of internal beauty too. So I guess it's fair but as much as I want fairness to be achieved in this world, I don't find joy in this achieved 'equality'. And this reminds me about a song, a song called "God Must Have Spent a little More Time on You". Whenever I see beautiful people, I think about this song, and then I'll ultimately start to question God on His ways of conduct. This isn't a matter of envy, I just don't get it why there's minimal equality in life. And when there is, most of it are just like mine, a knowing that equality is there but the satisfaction not. (Greed hinders satisfaction I suppose.) This is a matter of the vast existence of variation, a matter of class distinction. I'm not saying everyone should receive the same amount. Some people really deserve to stay or be poor because they are lazy and irresponsible. It's not fair to have people like that living life fit for a king, and to have brilliant, hardworking people struggling to make ends meet. Some people don't deserve the beauty they possess. Most of them misuse it. And those who lack have such beautiful hearts but it takes time to see this...and in this century, everyone hasn't got time.(Or so what most thinks.) Again, some deserves to be ugly because they're rotten inside too. Only those who are beautiful in and out are the best. I deem equanimity achieved. I don't understand the things that God does. I hope I can remember the questions I have for Him when I see Him.

Maybe I'm upset because, hypothetically speaking... If I'm in a lake consisting of two types of birds, I'm a duck instead of a swan. And I don't want to be a damn duck. I said it's not a matter of envy... maybe it is after all. Sad to be a duck.

Fret not, I only allow myself to wallow in self-pity for a moment. Just a moment, could be a night's length or a few gentle hours, then I'll move on. Because Mitch Albom and other people say it's okay. At least I interpret it so.

I've been yapping and whining about unfairness for quite a while now...this will be the last. Really, bear with me!!!

I think when I look back and read this, I'll be thinking I'm really stupid. If that happens, I know I've matured and have finally found something, a meaning in life or a form of happiness/satisfaction, I don't know but I think it's something good. I like good.

Results out in a week. I'm nervous!